Tag: self-help

Lonely,

michelleLeave a comment

There is no one to choose despite this or that,

So it becomes easier to judge others for enduring.

There is no one to fight for, 

So giving up is easy.

There are a few you go out of your way for,

But most times, you really don’t have anything to do.

And while your music taste is quite exquisite, you wish someone could show you something new.

Lonely.

phone rings often, plans get made,

But you long to not always have to make plans.

You wonder what it’s like to just roll out of bed and face the day with someone.

Lonely.

You pack your things quickly, leaving is easy.

break-up texts get written in under a minute. 

There is no second-guessing, 

Not when there wasn’t anything to guess in the first place.

You embody casualness like you made the word.

Only strangers know you intimately. 

Those closest pretend to have an idea of what you are like. 

Small talk becomes the only type of talk; you forget that not all arguments are bad.

You never fight, so you call yourself peaceful.

It is quiet; it has always been quiet.

You tell yourself you never liked noise anyway.

Lonely.

I do not regret it.

michelle1 Comment

I do not regret it 

I do not feel bad for you. I do not care to.

I saw clearly after I let go of regret,

It was never my regret anyway.

I think about the fear you must have 

Scared that if they look too close, they will begin to understand 

They will understand, and then they will begin to ask questions,

very quickly, they will realize that it, in fact, does not make any sense 

And it never did.

And then they will ask if you ever knew,

And your face will betray your lie

And your betrayal will go straight to the core 

And they never look at you the same.

I do not regret it. 

I do not regret any time I took a step back 

Any time I responded with silence.

Anytime I decided to retreat.

I do not regret it because every time I left, I saw you clearly, I saw myself, and then I chose myself.

As time goes, I understand more, 

My questions have answers.

I understand it now.

The weight of your betrayal hangs over me.

And I am tired every day.

I watch the ones that have yet to understand; I find solace in the ones that do.

And we hold each other. And we help each other. 

And we never regret it 

Because it was never our regret anyway.

What I realized after I met Clarity.

michelleLeave a comment

Suddenly, I started to see the patterns. When I fell into spells of overthinking, my heart would literally start beating faster. I would start to feel like I was running, like I was out of breath, even as I lay in bed. 

It is a crazy thing to realize that the thing that has been beating you down, the reason why even colors seem to appear faded is because of fear. Because of the vulnerability that you have and the honest desire for reassurance and acceptance. 

It is crazy because in that moment I want to hug myself. I want to hold myself so tightly because I am enough. I am more than enough.

I want to tell myself that it is okay to not always know. It is okay to make a mistake and be corrected. It is okay to use your voice, ask for attention, or need it. It is a crazy thing to realize how much of a burden that realization is. I empathize with myself, the weight I carried, and the hurdles I overcame to be here at this moment. I take in the paths that I forged for myself, with the people that helped me at each step of the way. I revisit the moments that hurt me, and I give myself what I needed in that moment. I create space for sadness, anger, and jealousy to be felt. To be acknowledged and addressed. I become my own person.

My own advocate. 

And so suddenly, I walk with my head higher. I ask more questions. I allow my curiosity to be perceived, and I share my vulnerability in not knowing or understanding. 

I give others the same option. The option to join me or redirect me. 

People have become more peaceful to me. My mind becomes quieter to me.

In some moments, there are doubts and glimmers of uncertainty. In these moments, I also take a deep breath and let myself remember that feeling. It visits for some time. When it’s time, it goes, or when I am ready, I leave. We both are empowered that way. 

I tell myself that the times that I want to go back to, I feel this way because of the wisdom I have now. This encourages me to keep moving forward. It pushes me to smile at others, open my heart, and accept new moments in the now with people who are right in front of me. 

Clarity taught me that to be your champion is to remain grounded. It asks you to accept your surroundings and yourself. It requires you to face the faults and address the fear, anxieties, hurt and anger. It asks you to accept that as part of you and your truth. It champions you to be present. 

A note to self.

michelleLeave a comment

You tend to walk with your head either up or down.

I’m telling you this because as I journey beside you, the moments I want to celebrate are when you leave me behind.

You dismiss me, saying there is nothing to celebrate. You are always only looking ahead when you say this.

And so you never stop. And you are only either looking up at how much is left to go or down as you examine your tired legs and back. And you only ever speak to me when you want us to keep going or when you are hurting.

And I’m telling you this because I stop.

I look around,

I want you to see what I see.

I want you to turn around and look at what we have done, together.

If there is always a beautiful view ahead, then that must surely mean that there are beautiful views behind us as well?

Surely moments of pause and reflection cannot be not time wasted in places we fought so hard to get to?

I guess I wish you smelt the roses more. I wish you inhaled more deeply. I wish you dove more often. 

I understand that a part of wishing involves rejecting a part of reality. But there is a part where it encourages us, too. That’s the part that believes in your greatness. That’s the part that sees what we need to see in ourselves.

You can’t do that without stopping and looking inside. You can’t do that believing that what is now is not enough. If your race to the sky requires all the paths you walk on, then they’re part of an important journey just as important as the finish line.

And now that you are done rolling your eyes. Before you start searching for something else to get your attention before you go. I’ll get to the point:

I want you to rest, because you always say you are tired. 

I hear you say how tired you are of being tired. I hear you say this every day.

I want to offer a moment, a period of reflection. If that is all it can be now 

I hope these periods offer a perspective that carries some of the weight as you continue the journey. I hope this allows it to then stop feeling like a race.

I hope this then relaxes your shoulders, 

And releases your jaw.

I hope then you can finally stop walking with your head either looking down or up. I hope you start to look around. And maybe one day, you can appreciate the journey, the parts, and the season where you stand in moments of time. 

With all my love,

Yours truly.

Far from home 

michelleLeave a comment

I am far from home 

Except I am not even sure where that is. 

I watch those I have grown up with 

My heart aches 

Nostalgia confuses me, and I reminisce only the good parts 

I forget the sadness, the moments when I did not enjoy 

I feel a sense of missing out

But it’s funny because I was never a part of their lives to begin with 

It’s a lonely season for me 

Regret wants to be felt

But I am fighting back 

What is there to regret?

I force myself to remember the other moments, the moments of isolation, when the truth was apparent. 

I force myself to keep going 

And going 

And going 

I look online and suddenly want things 

It’s funny that  

I didn’t think about everything I lacked until I looked at a screen. 

There is nothing I lack 

Only things I can attain 

Only potential that is untapped or unrealized 

I come as I am.

Far from a home I used to know 

A place that serves as a refuge, 

Except it has not been that for a while, 

And I have been in transit for a while 

And I am not far from home at all 

Home is within me, and I am home.

I take a deep breath 

I make new goals 

I try to find acceptance in myself 

I remain present 

I am living a life that I daydreamed about 

I am here now 

And in this moment, this is where I reside 

In a place far from a former home.

A place that is inviting me to make it its home 

Time is on my side 

Abundance is on my side.

a reminder

about pressure, my unwelcome guest 

michelleLeave a comment

Pressure

Pressure

I can feel every second 

I can see each minute float away

My heart beats, we look at each other. She is tired, she beats all day. 

What’s wrong?

I look around for the problem, I can’t find it. I search for words, there are none.

It feels so dark, but I’m still blinded by flashing lights. This makes no sense. A sharp, high-pitched sound clouds my mind. Who is screaming? 

I think I would know if it was me. Right?

Pressure.

Pressure.

I don’t say stop. I don’t say enough. 

I don’t deserve it. 

I can’t move. I am stuck. 

I am alone. There is no one in here but me. But then again, who else could access my thoughts? Who else could access my mind?

Besides, Pressure. My uninvited guest. My captor. Trapping me inside my mind. 

I can’t smell the roses anymore. I don’t want to.

Pausing is a privilege granted to those who deserve it. Pressure reminds me. Do you deserve it ?– they question me.

Taunting me

Laughing as I beg. I reason I try to escape my solitary confinement.

I look for distractions. I look for short obstacles, I want to keep them happy, I want to be myself. I need to learn what that even looks like. 

Pressure.

It chips pieces of me from myself. Now I walk around feeling exposed, I walk with my head down, my eyes say too much. 

I walk alone, but I’m begging for a shadow. I am begging for a shoulder. 

I do not want to be alone. 

But the only way that you will find people is if you are something and do something. 

This is not enough. You are not enough. 

Pressure is harsh. My wounds are not healing. Excessive friction. Everything is out of sync. 

I am spiraling. While the minutes continue to float away, I circle down the drain. 

Finally, I am free. I think I am. Hours can’t haunt me anymore. Time is finished with me.

But Pressure remains. It becomes the soundtrack of my life, whispering and reminding me. My wounds never heal.

Pressure

whose shame?

michelleLeave a comment

His shadow, her truth 

His blurred face, her exposed breasts. 

Her face, his secret.

They know so much, but who do you talk about when you say they?

They entertain. They cater. They serve.

They meet you at your darkness. They listen to your needs.

They are closer to you than you think. They know more about your promise than you think.

In the darkness, they offer freedom, a refuge from sudden urges, an itch, and intense desire.

Your freedom in exchange for their safety, a price – compensation.

And despite their safety, despite their kindness. They are sentenced to the dark. An embodiment of others’ shame, they are outcasted. Their stories are written for them, and their duty is seen as a disservice, a setback for all. But I ask, when the sun goes down, who seeks them? Who needs them? 

Your neighbor, a stranger on the bus, your best friend, your lover. Forced to abide by standards set by their own, forced to cast their perceived shortcomings to those undeserving. 

But who do we shame? Who do we mock? Why?

Is it because we know? We recognize their necessity? A crucial piece in a broken machine, a flawed system using secrets to remain afloat. 

And when others march, do they march for them? Are their needs considered needs? Who is the judge, who gets to decide?

And as you fix your nose upwards, as you pash your judgment, as you use them as examples for your cautionary tales.

Do you wonder why something deemed so shameful still exists, why they prevail, and why they never go away?

Do you wonder who ensures they, too, can rest their head and see another day? 

They know more than you think. They are closer to you than you want to admit. Sentenced to represent shadows although their truth could light up others lives.

But who do you talk about when you say they?

It’s not perfect, but it’s better.

michelleLeave a comment

One year ago, I couldn’t wash my own hair. 

I texted my mom and asked if someone could wash my hair for me once I got home. I lay in bed tears streaming down my face, I stared at the ceiling, I looked around my dark room. I was tired; I was so tired. 

A year later and, on Thursday, I woke up and realized that I wanted to wash my hair, so I did. I also made my own homemade pizza, and I watched my favorite movie. 

It’s funny cause I wouldn’t say that I’m downing so much better on paper, that is. In January, I walked into the new year small. I chose to have very little expectations, my fear of dreaming big was backed by the belief that the world would remind me that I was too small to dream. That last year was tough. I was just happy to have made it, beaten, broken, and all. 

In this past year, I was not spared of the curveballs. Disappointment, failure, and redirection remained prominent figures in my life. At almost every turn, there seemed to be block after block. Hell, even right now, there are several things that could be going right. But, tonight I made some delicious homemade pizza and I watched my favorite movie. Did I mention that my laundry is fresh and neatly folded in my room? 

It’s not perfect, but it’s better. 

And sometimes that is enough.

I looked at the wallpaper on my laptop. I made it myself. It’s my mood board for the next year. I have dreams, hopes and wishes, they are big ones. I remain humble in the complex, ambiguous beauty that is the human experience, but there is hope and excitement that accompanies it. 

My perspective has shown that it desires change. It no longer wants to remain complacent and as accepting of the world, it craves experience and growth. It is curious and naive. It has relinquished control. It does not desire to be passive. It moves with intention. Intention that is not pretentious. It is, as I mentioned, humble too. 

A year ago, I was tired. I am still tired. Some things don’t change as quickly, but I am learning that that is okay, too.

My Glass Bowl

michelleLeave a comment

When I start to like someone, I get scared.

scared to admit it and scared to fall.

I walk around with my heart in my hands,

I carry it like a delicate glass bowl.

I am careful not to drop it.

My glass bowl.

The glass bowl I carefully carried and protected has been shattered. again.

Once again, I am left to pick up the pieces.

I am careful, of course

the only person at risk of getting cut by the jagged pieces is me. Only me.

and I do not want to get cut cleaning up a mess that I did not make.

Yet that is how the game works these days,

they come in, examine my glass bowl – some even say that it is beautiful, that they have never seen anything like it!

and then, they break it.

by “accident”, of course.

And so I work to clean it up. I make sure not to create more of a mess. I make sure not to get cut by the jagged pieces. Because I do not want to get cut cleaning up a mess that I did not make.

sometimes, they come back and admire my work; they say well done! good for you!

and then they move on to another exhibit. Another glass bowl.

and I am left to reinvent my glass bowl once again. Forced to find and showcase the beauty of a once broken and now put-together glass bowl.

a glass bowl that I did not break.

my glass bowl. my heart.

On starting again

michelle1 Comment

Back again!

It only took me four years, lol.

I recently graduated from university. I did the thing, I put in the work, and sure enough, I walked across a stage and got my (very much deserved) 5 minutes of fame. And while I am incredibly proud and grateful that I was able to achieve such an achievement, the end of my undergrad journey was filled with the underlying feeling of unfulfillment, confusion, and frustration.

This trifecta of bad vibes was because what I had imagined I would feel at the end of this journey versus my reality was completely different. I had envisioned myself being more grounded and secure, energized for the next chapter. Instead, I had a liberal arts degree and zero clue about where and how to begin the next step. One thing I did know was that I was exhausted and burnt out to a crisp.

In conclusion, I felt deceived. I did the work! There were countless sleepless nights, overconsumption and reliance on coffee, emails … oh, all the emails begging class instructors for extensions, clarifications, and mercy. I happily found myself on my knees because I was motivated because this was necessary. It was a degrading means to a prideful end.

Yet here I was, confused as ever my only companion being the burning question: What is next?

Now, this was three months ago. I have since spent all my available energy on relaxing and regrouping. No one ever said how difficult it is to relax, you know. I have had to force myself to be okay with not having plans, reminding myself that the difference between me and the bummy men that my friends and I make fun of is that I am me, and they are them. Simple. This period of rest was not only so so deserved but also a moment in which I allowed myself to really just think. Think about what I wanted and where I wanted to be.

This was the beginning of me opening my Pandora’s box (I hope I am using that term correctly).

It’s shocking, really, how when you decide to dedicate time to pursuing your hobbies and finding your purpose, that is when you discover that you really have zero idea who you are.

In these past few months, I have learned so much about myself. Not even in a deep, Oprah Winfrey crying type of way, but in an interesting non-psychoanalytical way! It’s been fun! But I will say that before it was fun, it was lonely and depressing.

It did take me being so stressed out that both my eyes would twitch uncontrollably, a serious lack of emotional regulation, and almost breaking down because I missed a bus to get here. After I had a sit-down moment with myself and realized all this was doing more harm than good, I decided to take the time and just … be.

On starting again.

I wish I could say life has been just dandy since I made this choice, however we live in a society, and life will do what life does. But it has become more bearable and dare I say it – enjoyable?

I came to the conclusion that in order for me to begin this journey of the what is next, I needed to accept my current reality. The truth was that I did not know. I knew what I did not want, but ultimately I did not know anything else. I was starting from scratch and I that meant I needed to be okay with that. I needed to be okay with that because I needed to be okay with all that comes with starting again.

The vulnerability of learning. Of not knowing. Being taught, making mistakes, and trying again.

Starting again.

And so I am here. Back again! I learned that in all the moments that I have been through in life, one thing has always stayed the same, I am a writer. I love it. My mind and body exist to write and tell stories. I am more comfortable with a pen, but I could get used to typing. So here we are, with a self-promise to remain consistent. Granting myself a space to express and grow. Enjoy the ride