about the temporary,

michelleLeave a comment

Justice for the temporary.

Justice for the temporary, although my voice has significantly lowered and I have looked around to see exactly who has heard me, heard this declaration.

A truth I am slowly but surely starting to believe and embody.

Justice for the temporary, appreciation for the temporary! 

The temporary situation, person, and feeling.

For so long, temporary has been a dirty word. It signifies insecurity; it implies that there is more work and more uncertainty until, eventually, you can get to the point of finality. In a world that only feels livable once everything is secure, the temporary feels like a fate that the unlucky, the less fortunate succumb to. It is not permanent (of course), but it will inspire a look of pity and words of encouragement that are more successful in reminding you just how bad your current state is than, I guess, uplift. 

It’s understandable, though.

It makes sense why the temporary isn’t seen with the highest regard. Why the minute you discover that a situation, person, or feeling is temporary, you quickly begin the journey of finding the situation, person, or feeling that isn’t. 

The temporary can be seen as a waste. A waste of time, a waste of effort, and a waste of energy. We barely have enough to begin with, right? We don’t have enough emotional capacity to love someone who isn’t your forever, right? We don’t have enough time or money to waste on a job that is not aligned with our divine purpose, right? We don’t have enough energy to be in a situation any longer than we need to be, right? 

Once you find out you are in the temporary, the only option is to escape quickly. 

But what happens when you are stuck? What happens when you decide to go against the status quo, against the rule, and befriend the temporary. What if we sat and enjoyed the view instead of watching the coastline – waiting and pleading for the boat to finally reach its destination? Isn’t this what the “enlightened” have been telling us this whole time? 

I mean, I get it now.

However, as we know, practice has always been harder than preaching. 

It is uncomfortable to sit in a situation with a feeling or a person who is not really supposed to be there. I believe that is the point. It serves as a reminder that this is not it. You are not finished.  My argument is that we can never know for certain if anything or anyone is forever, and attempting to find out is how it becomes a negative experience.

What if it became, just an experience. 

The temporary. A moment in time. 

Also, about time. 

The final boss. The other enemy. Time, always running and never enough.

To enjoy the temporary is to seemingly go against time. And even though time is seen as a scarcity, it has been there and will be there after us, and the temporary.

So what does this mean? 

Honestly, I’m not sure. The enlightened tell us to take a breath. They encourage us to be present. to exist in a space where time passes, and we let it. They challenge us to be comfortable in a situation not wondering or worrying if it is temporary. 

And so I accept. I create a space that is comfortable and productive, in the temporary. I’m aware that in each moment time passes. It is uncomfortable, but then again, I remember, it is supposed to be. It is a challenge, after all.

Justice for the temporary and its friend time. I now see beauty in the temporary situation, person, and feeling. I treat them kindly, I sit with them, and I learn what I can. What is a temporary situation, person, and feeling if not an opportunity to learn, for growth, and a memory? 

What is the temporary, if not life itself?

whose shame?

michelleLeave a comment

His shadow, her truth 

His blurred face, her exposed breasts. 

Her face, his secret.

They know so much, but who do you talk about when you say they?

They entertain. They cater. They serve.

They meet you at your darkness. They listen to your needs.

They are closer to you than you think. They know more about your promise than you think.

In the darkness, they offer freedom, a refuge from sudden urges, an itch, and intense desire.

Your freedom in exchange for their safety, a price – compensation.

And despite their safety, despite their kindness. They are sentenced to the dark. An embodiment of others’ shame, they are outcasted. Their stories are written for them, and their duty is seen as a disservice, a setback for all. But I ask, when the sun goes down, who seeks them? Who needs them? 

Your neighbor, a stranger on the bus, your best friend, your lover. Forced to abide by standards set by their own, forced to cast their perceived shortcomings to those undeserving. 

But who do we shame? Who do we mock? Why?

Is it because we know? We recognize their necessity? A crucial piece in a broken machine, a flawed system using secrets to remain afloat. 

And when others march, do they march for them? Are their needs considered needs? Who is the judge, who gets to decide?

And as you fix your nose upwards, as you pash your judgment, as you use them as examples for your cautionary tales.

Do you wonder why something deemed so shameful still exists, why they prevail, and why they never go away?

Do you wonder who ensures they, too, can rest their head and see another day? 

They know more than you think. They are closer to you than you want to admit. Sentenced to represent shadows although their truth could light up others lives.

But who do you talk about when you say they?

It’s not perfect, but it’s better.

michelleLeave a comment

One year ago, I couldn’t wash my own hair. 

I texted my mom and asked if someone could wash my hair for me once I got home. I lay in bed tears streaming down my face, I stared at the ceiling, I looked around my dark room. I was tired; I was so tired. 

A year later and, on Thursday, I woke up and realized that I wanted to wash my hair, so I did. I also made my own homemade pizza, and I watched my favorite movie. 

It’s funny cause I wouldn’t say that I’m downing so much better on paper, that is. In January, I walked into the new year small. I chose to have very little expectations, my fear of dreaming big was backed by the belief that the world would remind me that I was too small to dream. That last year was tough. I was just happy to have made it, beaten, broken, and all. 

In this past year, I was not spared of the curveballs. Disappointment, failure, and redirection remained prominent figures in my life. At almost every turn, there seemed to be block after block. Hell, even right now, there are several things that could be going right. But, tonight I made some delicious homemade pizza and I watched my favorite movie. Did I mention that my laundry is fresh and neatly folded in my room? 

It’s not perfect, but it’s better. 

And sometimes that is enough.

I looked at the wallpaper on my laptop. I made it myself. It’s my mood board for the next year. I have dreams, hopes and wishes, they are big ones. I remain humble in the complex, ambiguous beauty that is the human experience, but there is hope and excitement that accompanies it. 

My perspective has shown that it desires change. It no longer wants to remain complacent and as accepting of the world, it craves experience and growth. It is curious and naive. It has relinquished control. It does not desire to be passive. It moves with intention. Intention that is not pretentious. It is, as I mentioned, humble too. 

A year ago, I was tired. I am still tired. Some things don’t change as quickly, but I am learning that that is okay, too.

Pretty people die, too.

michelleLeave a comment

Did you know that? That pretty people died, too?

We live in a society. A society hellbent on dividing but not conquering. We live in a time where the perceived sum total of a person is based on what category they fit into and what box they tick. There is an emphasis on all this separation and identification even though, at the very end, no one is exempt from the hand of life and, ultimately, death.

These man-made pedestals do much for the living and nothing for the dead.

And even the most powerful, influential, and beautiful, they, too, remain at the mercy of life itself.

In a world that thrives off on separation and distinction. In a world with occupants that continuously seek to push an agenda that ties our worth, our dignity, and the importance of life itself, based on its ability to meet criteria. Criteria that those who perpetuate don’t and can’t meet themselves,

I urge you to remind yourself that pretty people die, too.

And a statement like this can imply a wealth of ignorance. I am here to inform you that I know the world that we live in (- or at least I am starting to). I see how these categories and divisions create a perceived sense of power and ability to determine another’s worth. This is why many march, many demand, and some ultimately have to beg that other person someone can see beyond the division, beyond the categories. 

It is why empathy is reserved for those who can actualize it as opposed to a universally taught standard.

Despite this, despite all of this, pretty people still die, too. 

Everyone does. A moment, a second, a decision can be the only line separating the living and the dead. We know this, but we can and probably will ignore it. Ignore how simple and how fragile, how precious, human life is.

And so, we continue to polish the pedestals, rejecting those that do not meet the requirements of the pedestal. While others will dehumanize those standing on the pedestals, subjecting them to fates, few understand and speak about. 

A few will fight against the pedestals, and fewer will see actual change.

And the train will keep going. And everyone, including the pretty people, will die. And we will all wonder what the point was and why the pedestals even existed,

And then, slowly but surely, the cycle will continue. 

And when another pretty person dies, we will stand in shock because we will be reminded that pretty people die, too.

I wish I cried on the train.

michelleLeave a comment

I almost cried on the train today. I also almost cried at the bus stop. And I almost cried as I walked home.

I held it in, of course. I focused on something else

But throughout the day, the feeling followed me. A wave of unexpected sadness and a desperate need to release it. To feel it. But I held it in. I focused on something else.

Soon, I was no longer at the bus stop, I wasn’t on the train, and I had finally reached home.

Every step and every push forward was backed by the promise that I would grant myself a moment, a time to cry. “Just not now.” I believed myself. I trusted that I would give myself a chance to feel and an opportunity to express myself. I always trust myself because if I did not, then who can I trust. Who else would let me cry?

But I never did. And the feeling left. At least, I thought so. 

Because I have been wanting to cry, I have been feeling the feeling of wanting to cry. But every time it comes, every time I finally allow it to come, it doesn’t. And I am left here with feelings I can’t express and a weight I can’t let go off. 

And I hope eventually I will cry. And as I hope, I also fear for the moment because I am not sure if I will ever stop once I start. And, instead of being the girl that never cried, I will become the girl that never stopped.

I wish I cried on the train. And at the bus stop and, as I walked home. I wish I cried because that would release me from being anything. It would release me from being the girl who cried or never cried. 

It would release me because I would be feeling. I would be feeling instead of wondering what type of girl I was. Because I would be present, and I would be just a girl who is crying on the train, at the bus stop, and on her way home. 

I wish I cried so that I could just be the girl who cried when she needed to. 

I have always been a romantic.

michelleLeave a comment

Does there always need to be a happy ending to every story?

Is that really, real life?

I have always been a romantic.

I romanticize everything: waking up, making breakfast – I stare wistfully outside my kitchen as the coffee pot does what coffee pots do – brew magic.

I wake up feeling romantic and grateful.

I make my breakfast perfectly, and then I eat it happily. 

Getting ready is romantic to me – washing, cleaning – creating a new slate to seize the day in, and gently doing my skincare. 

I love all of it. 

To me, that is what it is all about. 

The only part that is not so romantic, the part that puts a crack in this picture-perfect life that I live, is that that is it. That is where the romance ends. 

I am clean and ready, but there isn’t much else to do.

Every day, the objective is to find something to do 

Something new, something to take my attention away from the truth 

The routine that I so desperately want but can’t figure out.

My dilemma is not in any way unique

My issue is not the first of its kind 

It is a tale as old as time. 

“We go to high school. We explore different career interests in high school (as one does) 

The high school continues to force a decision by narrowing down the options and courses available. Sensitive to the pressure, we make a decision, some more sure than others. 

Soon enough, we are writing statements – begging big institutions to sit at tables that are far too expensive. ((That is important because you never forget it. And when you miss a lecture, skip a class, or fail a test, you see dollar signs, and you see them going down the drain.)) 

Nonetheless, the institutions offer a place, and we accept probably the most expensive seat we have ever taken. 

And so it begins and ends, a journey full of social highs, romantic lows, academic wins, and sleepless nights. 

All are working towards achieving a goal that some of us are not quite sure of.

And finally, after what feels like years upon years of work 

A failed course, a few missing assignments 

The institution hands us a paper 

On it is a supposed summary of the last five years 

On it a show, an allowance for our 5 minutes of fame.“

I look at the two lines on this paper, the two lines that show my accomplishment. 

I should feel more. I am supposed to, right? However, I look at this piece of paper, and I turn the paper around, wondering. I thought the paper would have some answers, but this paper is not a map.

There are no instructions on what to do next.

There is nothing there but my name and two lines saying what I did in the last 5 years. 

I am still grateful. I am still proud of myself for this moment. For my 5 minutes. I am grateful because while the piece of paper has two lines, I have stories. I have moments and memories, I have laughter, I have sadness, I have anger, and hopelessness. I have inspiration. I have the determination. 

I have the story about the girl who is still here despite it all. 

I finally leave the institution. It becomes a vault of memories, and I move onwards and upwards. I don’t look back; there is really nothing left for me here. 

I am content. This feels good.

I am aware of my lack of answers, my questions. I convince myself that they will come to me. 

I create space for time. 

That seems good. I think I am content. And for a while, everything is romantic.

Everything is new: New city, new room, new world, new characters, new everything. 

Same me.

That is the part they do not tell you about, the part that also kills the romance. 

Everything is new, but me 

Same baggage. Same trauma. Same cluelessness. Just a new canvas to spill that onto.

But I persist. 

And I keep things romantic. And I work, or at least try to work.

And I still keep a little space for time.

There are still questions, and the answers are still missing, but still, I wake up every day feeling romantic and grateful. I make my breakfast perfectly, and I eat it happily. And then I look for something to do, something to distract myself with.

I do not think about the cycle I have found myself in. The cycle of wanting more but not knowing where to start. 

I decide to create more space for time. For potential. 

I relinquish control and allow myself to flow with the current. I am careful to keep doing the work so that, at the very least, I stay afloat.  Life is still romantic because I romanticize everything, including the uncertainty. 

And I wonder about happy endings, if they exist, if they are necessary.

I wonder who happy endings are for 

If the characters know they live happily ever after or maybe just the people who cared to watch them. I wonder this as I close my laptop and brush my teeth. I wonder this as I get ready for bed. And as I fall asleep, I still wonder but I make sure to do so romantically. 

On remembering and Not remembering

michelleLeave a comment

I am still recovering. 

I am still working on it. I am still feeling it. 

Still dealing with it.

There are moments when I am fine. Moments when I don’t remember. I don’t remember the hurt, the embarrassment, the feeling of instant regret. There are days when I forget that I ever experienced any of that. 

Then, there are days when I remember. 

The days when I stay inside. The days when I get consumed in the hating, and the pulling myself apart, the days when the self-doubt takes over.  On those days, hoping feels a little sillier and a little hopeless. 

So, I try my best not to remember,

I put them away, distract myself, and instead, I imagine: I set the scene, and you are placed right in the middle. The best seat in the house.

In my theatre

Here you cannot miss this show. You cannot miss a second, a turn, a smile. I stand before you. This time, I am prepared. This time, I know your game.

This time, it is a fair game

I see through your facade. I recognize the bullshit bluffing as your so-called confidence. The blurry image I once thought was mysterious has cleared up to be insecurity. 

This time, you can’t hurt me.

You can’t hurt me because while you can see me. And while you can hear me and feel my energy, my presence, my impact.

You cannot touch me. You cannot approach me. You are only a viewer in my show and you can only watch me because you cannot watch anything else

I am the show. And you are my audience. 

At this moment, I have control. I am in control, and you cannot hurt me. 

When I remember I go there, to this place. The place where I tell you who you are. The place where I confront you with your shame

The place where I hold the mirror, and instead of hurting me, you see yourself. Clearly. 

On the days when I don’t remember. 

I hope, I long, and I wish. I am once again just a girl who has feelings. The girl who may not have worn her heart on her sleeve but the girl who imagined the good. The girl who would daydream about the boy who handed her their sharpener, about the other boy who held the door open for her, and about the other boy whose laugh was a cure for any bad feelings in her mind.

The girl who didn’t even for a second, second guess intention, the girl who never doubted her worth of deserving love.

When I remember, I go to the place where I can tell you what you have done to me. 

The place where my scars are visible. Where my pain is universally understood. Accepted and not justified. 

When I remember, I speak clearly. 

I share my shame with you because it should belong to you.

I leave the stage and you, with the baggage you gave me. I leave the stage and realize what I have always known, what I needed you to know. I leave the stage, and finally, you know

You realize your loss. You realize your misfortune. I leave, and you curse the air and feel the feeling. The sensation, and it engulfs you 

I leave, and all you are left with is regret. 

That’s the part that’s left. The reason why the memory of you still lingers. The reason why I remember and don’t remember. My curiosity keeps me, making me revisit you and the memory and the time. It makes me think about you, unable to forget you. I wonder to myself, I wonder if you feel it.

Do you have any remorse? Regret? 

I wonder if there is a split second or moment in your day where you pause and wonder. Long for a moment. A time when you could be on the stage. A moment when I sit across in the best seat in the house. Right in the middle because I cannot miss a thing. Because you need me to hear from you

To see you.

A moment when you say how you felt, how the shame was too much.How the shame, the embarrassment, the instant regret was the spillage from the overflowing pool of emotions you carry on your chest. You tell me that the isolation was a gift, a moment of compassion and protection from the mess that encompasses your self-hatred and anger and that your unresolved troubled childhood trauma was the sole reason. That I was just an unlucky casualty in your war against yourself.

That way, I would see your pain—all of it.

I would see the shame. 

You would get to tell me who you really are. 

You would tell me about the days when you remember. Days when you can’t choose not to remember. You would tell how on the days when you remember how you go to this place. You would go to this stage, and you would say to me how you remember.

You would then do the most unexpected thing. 

You would ask me how I felt.

And you would tell me how seeing my shock and confusion after that question would pain you. 

You would tell me how you never realized that that was the first time you had asked me this, the first time you paused and considered me, my story, and my feelings.

And then I would tell you what I do on the days that I don’t remember and on the days that I do. 

a monologue about anger

michelleLeave a comment

The white lights and stainless steel cabinets made the kitchen feel like a police officer’s interrogation room—and honestly, so did the energy.

The cluttered kitchen felt empty, and tension hung like blackout curtains, completely taking over the room. We sat across from each other, nothing but the space of the table between us. The table that I thought had been chosen in agreement easily and happily—a once happy memory ruined by the new unknown context I just found out tonight, three years later.

On the table lay the remnants of what could only be described as a train wreck of a five-year anniversary dinner.

Like the spilled wine on the table, a lot of angry and rage-filled words had been spilled tonight. 

It was at this moment it clicked. It all made sense. I looked at the man across from me, the man I claimed to love. I studied his face, I looked at his skin, his hands, his eyebrows and then big one, the one my eyes had been avoiding. The tears. Tears flowed down his cheeks, and I watched in awe.  Staring at him I realized -this was the first time i am seeing him cry. In confusion, temporarily interrupting my anger, I realized I didn’t recognize him. Or rather, I didn’t recognize him like— this.

This is the part that had been missing, the part that I wondered about, the place where he sometimes disappeared to

5 years worth of frustration and suppression 

5 years of wondering, of asking, and revisiting 

Finally, I could see him 

All of him, I had arrived.

He was looking back at me. 

His breath was only a little faster than mine. His was sharp and frequent like he just took a brisk walk. He looked a little smaller, vulnerable. His shoulders slightly hunched over – his final attempt to conceal something, anything as he sat here heaving after completing the most open, gut-wrenching and anger filled outburst.

After he finally bore his soul.

I can tell he has been holding this in.

5 years of saying it’s fine.

5 years of saying that it doesn’t bother him 

That he didn’t mind,

5 years of pretending to be okay when he wasn’t.

I want to laugh because look at us! Becoming the very same people we used to mock. The people we said we could never become

It’s been 5 minutes since he spoke. We have sat here for 5 minutes 

He has been recovering, and I have been thinking.

It’s quiet, so I can hear every teardrop 

This man is angry, and he has finally told me. I can finally see him 

I feel relief, but I am angry, too.

Our eyes are locked, and we study each other, searching, investigating, waiting.

It’s my turn to speak 

To share my piece

To bring forth my 5 years of context

My response 

I take a deep breath each molecule preparing me for the response that may change everything. 

The response that defines 5 years, our 5 years …

“Are you done? 

Can I speak now? 

No, I genuinely mean it, are you finished. I want you to get it, get this off your chest. Finally 

I want you to say it all! even if you scream it all!

Because this is the closest, the most I have known about you, the most anything that I have felt from you in months!

This is real. This is honest. This is you 

You are angry. You are still you but right now you are you and you are angry! and that is okay. 

`I take a deep breath’

I stay begging; you call it nagging. But we sit here every few months, upset at each other; We kinda sorta figure it out, and I say what’s kind of on my chest, and you don’t 

We “solve” the issue – and then we move on. Except we don’t, and you don’t get heard, and I never know, and then we go right. back. to. it. 

But finally. We are here. 

It’s not great, it’s not comfortable, it’s definitely not fun but shit we are here. 

I am here, and finally finally, so are you. 

You are angry

The thing is, I can finally say it. I can pinpoint it. It’s identifiable. T h i s h a s m a d e y o u a n g r y. Before, I just had to guess. I always wondered. Ultimately, I resorted to just assuming. Guessing that each time you disappear, each time you isolate, vanish, it means that you are angry or upset. 

And it’s not healthy. It’s not!

But what choice do I have when you only ever show me the good parts? What options do I have when every time I ask, you lie? 

`I take another deep breath’ 

You say you are fine, and then you go for a walk

You say you are fine, and then you go for a jog

You say you are fine and I am picking you up from a bar from god-knows where. And then I ask you again and you lie and say that you are fine!

`he wants to talk, but I persist’ 

When I push, when I engage, when I sit here – quiet 

I am quiet because I want to exist with you

I want access to this this world, this bubble 

This life that you so desperately try to hide, to gatekeep

To exclude me from 

You are angry 

You are still you, but right now, you are you, and you are angry.

I am angry too. I am angry, and I love you. 

I am angry because I have never once asked you to withhold this part of yourself. 

I never told you that I only wanted the good parts

I understand it is above me, above you, above all of us. I understand it’s because we live in a space, a world, a society 

-A society that demands us to hide, retreat, and disguise moments like this, feelings like this

But this is me, and this is you. 

And this is us

We make up this space 

We create this space 

You occupy this space with me. You exist as a person here, alongside me. Your space and your world intersect with me, here. When you leave me out, when you don’t say why you are so fucking angry 

I exist in this space alone. 

You isolate me 

That is when your anger, your feelings, things are that are about you, become about me too, okay

So don’t stand here and call me selfish; don’t dismiss me and say that I don’t understand. Of course I don’t, how could I? You are angry, I know you, but I don’t know your anger 

You are you and I know you 

But you are you and you are angry and I don’t know you with that.

`I am yelling, I pause. I lower my voice’

I am not saying that I need to fix it. I am not even saying that I can but I am saying that I just want to know, okay? This is our space, and in our space you have brought anger, and I deserve to know that.

I want to know your anger because that is a part of you and you can’t escape it. 

And yes you are right, I do not want to be a victim of your anger. So don’t take it out on me. 

But 

But fuck! If you think that not telling me, not opening up, and not being honest is the opposite of making me the victim, then I have some bad news for you. Shocking news! 

Because right now, this, this silence, this coldness, this distance?

I am a victim now.

I am standing at the forefront in the line of danger, and I am standing here alone. 

Because you are angry 

And because I love you 

So what now? What happens next? 

I didn’t realize that asking you to bring your whole self was asking for too much.

It didn’t occur to me that you would bring any less of you in this

Because I brought all of me!

`I am crying – how do I stop crying! ‘

I didn’t know, and now that I do know, I no longer want to be a part of a relationship where we are not bringing ourselves, our whole selves, into it. This is a condition of my love.

The good, the bad, the ugly.

 Oh, and by the way, anger has never been the bad or the ugly. At least not to me, anyway 

So I’ll ask you again.

Are you done, or is there anything else you would like to add?”

Picture this, a place where love exists. A place where even after a rage-driven argument has left two breathless lovers silent, there is still the mutual knowledge that love persists.

My Glass Bowl

michelleLeave a comment

When I start to like someone, I get scared.

scared to admit it and scared to fall.

I walk around with my heart in my hands,

I carry it like a delicate glass bowl.

I am careful not to drop it.

My glass bowl.

The glass bowl I carefully carried and protected has been shattered. again.

Once again, I am left to pick up the pieces.

I am careful, of course

the only person at risk of getting cut by the jagged pieces is me. Only me.

and I do not want to get cut cleaning up a mess that I did not make.

Yet that is how the game works these days,

they come in, examine my glass bowl – some even say that it is beautiful, that they have never seen anything like it!

and then, they break it.

by “accident”, of course.

And so I work to clean it up. I make sure not to create more of a mess. I make sure not to get cut by the jagged pieces. Because I do not want to get cut cleaning up a mess that I did not make.

sometimes, they come back and admire my work; they say well done! good for you!

and then they move on to another exhibit. Another glass bowl.

and I am left to reinvent my glass bowl once again. Forced to find and showcase the beauty of a once broken and now put-together glass bowl.

a glass bowl that I did not break.

my glass bowl. my heart.

about the revolutionary girl

michelleLeave a comment

Believe it or not, as a woman, loving yourself can often feel like a revolutionary act.

Being alone and being okay with that feels almost ground-breaking.

Eating out, buying something nice, or dancing alone at a party can be indisputably described as insurgent. Revolutionary.

This is because, it is. Unfortunately.

Growing up, I imagined myself going to university and finding the love of my life. It was planned out perfectly. All I needed to do was be in the right place at the right time so that the right boy would see me – like, really see me. Come over and sweep me off my feet. Happily ever after.

Done, simple.

Now, a few situationships, 5 years of education, a complete journal of unsent letters, hopes, and desires, and, importantly, 2 years of celibacy later, I would like to report that maybe if I wanted to experience a movie-like romance, I would need to find and hire and write my male soulmate. Unfortunately for me, I can’t really task all my hopes onto fate.

The revolutionary girl.

One day, after I spent my morning crying over a guy, I saw a post on Pinterest describing a girl who wasn’t afraid to enjoy life alone. I am not joking; that was the first pin on my “for you” page.

The post described this act as revolutionary because, as we know, society hates to see a girl that is young, fun,and happy – and also alone. The quote was uplifting and encouraging, yet it only made me angry. I am happy, and I am alone. These are not mutually exclusive. However, it seems like these are often placed on opposing teams, and when a woman chooses both, she is seen as revolutionary.

but when will it okay to also admit that I want love? can I ever admit it?

It almost feels as if I am being forced to be okay with independence, and any indication that I feel the opposite would be setting back women 500 years. It is complex. I saved the quote. I agree with it, but for a moment, I had to ask myself if a world exists in which women can be strong and independent and have our independence not solely judged and compared to men and love.

takes a deep breath. You can be a strong, independent woman who wants a man.

To me, a revolutionary girl can still dance around to music in her room; she can still have ownership and autonomy for herself and her body. But (and scandalously), she can also express the desire to be loved. It’s okay, it’s an emotion.

I am tired of being an evolutionary woman. I want to just be a woman. I have no desire to break the status quo. I do not desire to be asked “how I make it work.” I am gentle. I want help. I want love, and I want care.

To admit this desire is revolutionary to me

  • idk this should be a journal entry