Category: Poetry

identity crisis

michelleLeave a comment

My spirit is heavy.

Expectations and duties hold me down, 

I can’t seem to find the strength. 

Do they even belong to me? 

My foundation has never felt so weak 

With each step, another piece crumbles away

However, there is a beauty that is evolving, a newfound confidence

It assures me that I am going in the right direction,

-but it doesn’t help me carry the weight 

I am hopeful and as lonely as I have ever felt.

My desire to be understood keeps me going. 

I can only hope that I will be alright.

Who can I blame for my troubles? 

Who can I trust to paint the picture? 

I wonder in and out of conversations 

I only ask what can be answered. 

My silence is the only honest thing about me.

I can’t shake the pressure to remain small, so I struggle to communicate my new truth. 

This dead skin no longer fits me. 

Coming out for air is painful, at least I can breathe again 

At least I know where I am going

My self-portrait appears to be a blank canvas.

I wonder whose job it is to paint it.   

Sonder

michelleLeave a comment

One of my favourite reminders of my humanity goes like this:

The moment when I just observe.

Those moments when there is nothing in my head, in that silence, I am able to remember where I am. 

The silence allows me to hear people,

As they speak to each other, as they speak through phones, as they take up space in the world

I am only granted snippets, out-of-context moments of their day, afternoon, or evening.

They are talking about something to someone. 

But it’s not to me, it has nothing to do with me. They pass me by, focused on their way to somewhere.

I am aware that I’m not a very significant part (if at all) to their story, I know this just as well as I know that we exist in the same space and moment in time. 

This doesn’t make me insignificant, I realize, it just means that I am sharing.

We all are 

We share this space, feelings, milestones, and hardships, even as we navigate through life, sometimes alone. 

I fear that this may also sound quite cheesy, I know, because it is.

But cheesy never meant untrue. And, I am not a liar.

It’s in these moments that the world doesn’t seem so small, so dire, so urgent. It reminds me that there was a before and there will be an after.

It allows the room to stop spinning.

It grants me the ultimate blessing;

To listen and to hear things with clarity.

No whispers, no other thoughts. True and doubtless.

In those moments, I see clearly, 

Perspective shifts, and I begin to understand.

I breathe deeply

My head rests, shoulders relaxed, free again.

I am sharing 

That means I am not alone.

Loneliness can not envelop me. I know that gravity will not allow me to just fly away, even when I feel like I am, drifting off.

I believe they call this moment: Sonder.

As I step out of myself, as I face outwards, as I observe

I am finally able to empathize with myself, the same way I empathize with others.

Non-judgmental but, more importantly, kind.

It’s in these moments that I find peace, and then, I am happy to be alive.

his instrument

michelleLeave a comment

Who is brave enough?

Who is hungry enough to go first? 

To assess this situation 

To make a judgment, taste this fruit?

He steps up to the plate; first in line. I can tell he needed this.

His eyes never deviated, unblinking.

He can’t stop staring.

Not even as he slowly rises and approaches 

I feel even more naked than I already am.

I wonder who he is really looking at; the person he stares at must be made of glory. But I know that even pure gold is at the mercy of wear and tear.

Yet his confidence prevails.

And he begins his expedition, 

I am both a passenger and his destination. 

His fingers talk to me 

They tell me what he wants, 

I respond, they already have it.

Draught now only a distant memory 

He has reached his destination.

I am confused 

I thought I was his salvation 

Yet here I lay, him guiding me to paradise, 

To a feeling I never felt.

Our eyes, locked together, transported to a place only we understand

They are comfortable there, what else is there to look at here 

He speaks to me in my language 

I experience the joy of being understood 

His fingers are an instrument 

For harmony and understanding 

I let him play his music for a long time 

Him and his instrument 

Me and him. 

treasure

michelleLeave a comment

Picture this: you finally met them.

There is a feeling: its easy, its quiet, it fully hits you one day in the morning as you are brushing your teeth and planning your day with them – oh shit I love them– 

Or maybe it’s not .. love? Maybe it’s something else 

–I care if this person lives or dies, I care about another person, I care– 

It whispers this quietly, but you hear this clearly; it’s not so much this profound feeling but rather a routine that you found yourself in.

They are a part of your routine. Loving them is a routine. 

Your mind does not go to prison guards or jail cells; it hasn’t had its guard up like that in such a long time. You grew so accustomed to being safe that you forgot you ever had guards in the first place.

It’s deep, it’s consuming, maybe it’s even rare, 

For you, it is everything. 

three bubbles indicating that another person is typing a text message

.. no need to respond, I just wanted you to know that I was thinking 

michelleLeave a comment

Well, if I’m being honest, there are moments when I do… miss you

There are days when I think about us.

It wasn’t all bad, you know.

You aren’t the easiest person to know; that doesn’t mean you aren’t worth knowing, though.

You were worth getting to know.

If you were ever to decide to open up and let people see you, they too would see that you were soft, as gentle as they come.

You cared about me, and you let me know this

so I never doubted it; funny, I don’t think I ever even wondered.

 Still, I confidently know that we were not meant to be— we would be, if that were the case.

It’s just that,

There are some moments when I just can’t help but wonder

What could have been?

What if one of us decided that they weren’t as right as they thought? 

What if one of us held up the white flag and finally said,” Fine, you win.”

What then? 

Lonely,

michelleLeave a comment

There is no one to choose despite this or that,

So it becomes easier to judge others for enduring.

There is no one to fight for, 

So giving up is easy.

There are a few you go out of your way for,

But most times, you really don’t have anything to do.

And while your music taste is quite exquisite, you wish someone could show you something new.

Lonely.

phone rings often, plans get made,

But you long to not always have to make plans.

You wonder what it’s like to just roll out of bed and face the day with someone.

Lonely.

You pack your things quickly, leaving is easy.

break-up texts get written in under a minute. 

There is no second-guessing, 

Not when there wasn’t anything to guess in the first place.

You embody casualness like you made the word.

Only strangers know you intimately. 

Those closest pretend to have an idea of what you are like. 

Small talk becomes the only type of talk; you forget that not all arguments are bad.

You never fight, so you call yourself peaceful.

It is quiet; it has always been quiet.

You tell yourself you never liked noise anyway.

Lonely.

the us. being in love- an experience by me,

michelleLeave a comment

Raw by Looney plays in the background. 

I think about the fear, the nervousness, and the excitement that we experience. 

A moment, every moment thereafter, the spark and electricity that illuminates and guides us for the rest of our lives. 

It’s the feeling, the part when your chest fills up as your stomach drops, and 

Gravity becomes more of a suggestion than 

–a world-renowned phenomenon. 

It’s staring at an orbiting sky and realizing you are in orbit too. 

And, letting it be.

It’s swimming through clouds, turning to your left, and seeing that face, 

That perfect face, for the first time- on the millionth day.

The eyes that move mountains and make problems disappear 

It’s a smile that ejects me into the stars, 

It’s the beauty mark, the scar, the dimple 

It’s their proof of life. The experience that has a story and is forever a part of them, told to me.

It’s knowing that they trust you with that context.

It’s actualizing the tapestry of their face. Each feature provides a moment for you to exhale–freely.

Suddenly, you have never breathed so deeply, you have never been so… full.

It’s them and their presence that makes you feel so light, like a clover being propelled by breaths of wishes and hopes for good luck 

It’s witnessing while experiencing the good luck and knowing it’s yours and for you alone 

It’s like the sunset that you can only watch 

The first sip of my favourite drink 

That is what the fear, the nervousness, the excitement, feels like.

It’s the crescendo of Japanese Denim by Daniel Caesar before he lullabies us to ease. 

It’s them, it’s you, it’s falling into

the us.

I do not regret it.

michelle1 Comment

I do not regret it 

I do not feel bad for you. I do not care to.

I saw clearly after I let go of regret,

It was never my regret anyway.

I think about the fear you must have 

Scared that if they look too close, they will begin to understand 

They will understand, and then they will begin to ask questions,

very quickly, they will realize that it, in fact, does not make any sense 

And it never did.

And then they will ask if you ever knew,

And your face will betray your lie

And your betrayal will go straight to the core 

And they never look at you the same.

I do not regret it. 

I do not regret any time I took a step back 

Any time I responded with silence.

Anytime I decided to retreat.

I do not regret it because every time I left, I saw you clearly, I saw myself, and then I chose myself.

As time goes, I understand more, 

My questions have answers.

I understand it now.

The weight of your betrayal hangs over me.

And I am tired every day.

I watch the ones that have yet to understand; I find solace in the ones that do.

And we hold each other. And we help each other. 

And we never regret it 

Because it was never our regret anyway.

Far from home 

michelleLeave a comment

I am far from home 

Except I am not even sure where that is. 

I watch those I have grown up with 

My heart aches 

Nostalgia confuses me, and I reminisce only the good parts 

I forget the sadness, the moments when I did not enjoy 

I feel a sense of missing out

But it’s funny because I was never a part of their lives to begin with 

It’s a lonely season for me 

Regret wants to be felt

But I am fighting back 

What is there to regret?

I force myself to remember the other moments, the moments of isolation, when the truth was apparent. 

I force myself to keep going 

And going 

And going 

I look online and suddenly want things 

It’s funny that  

I didn’t think about everything I lacked until I looked at a screen. 

There is nothing I lack 

Only things I can attain 

Only potential that is untapped or unrealized 

I come as I am.

Far from a home I used to know 

A place that serves as a refuge, 

Except it has not been that for a while, 

And I have been in transit for a while 

And I am not far from home at all 

Home is within me, and I am home.

I take a deep breath 

I make new goals 

I try to find acceptance in myself 

I remain present 

I am living a life that I daydreamed about 

I am here now 

And in this moment, this is where I reside 

In a place far from a former home.

A place that is inviting me to make it its home 

Time is on my side 

Abundance is on my side.

a reminder

Somewhere, over the rainbow

michelleLeave a comment

I exist in a place before and after the rainbow.

A place where colours do not exist

Darkness is not personified. 

It’s a state of being: 

I am darkness, I exist without light.

I long to be where the colours exist. 

I know that there are people that stay there,

I even know a few that are there, I visit them often. 

But no one seems to know how to be there

They tell me colour is not personified. 

They exist with colour. They have light.

They talk about light and brightness. 

They say that it sometimes exists in excess, I’m not sure if I believe them.

I can’t comprehend how anything good could ever be in excess.

My starvation is blatant,

There is no colour in my eyes, It is clear where I reside.

I walk with my head down, a final attempt not to make it obvious that I am trying to fit into a place I don’t belong.

I hope no one notices 

Eventually, they willingly turn off their lights 

And find comfort in temporary, peaceful solitude 

I remain indifferent. In darkness, my only truth, my state of being.