“I am so sorry for your loss.”

“Thinking about u x”

“Let me know if you ever want to talk” 

I am cared for. I appreciate it. 

However, this feeling is hard to describe. It’s hard to feel. 

I talk to you. I talk to you often. You are the only person I want to talk to.

But today I didn’t talk to you. My mind uncemented itself for the first time since I heard. Since you left us. I existed without you, and it wasn’t horrible. I survived.

And then I thought about you. I remembered, and I broke. For the first time, I felt it. Realizing this was the moment when I really spoke to you. I was ready to say my last remarks. 

I now know what heartbreak feels like.

I felt a crack. I literally heard it as it worked its way down my heart. I now walk with my chest throbbing, two broken pieces on my left side.

I never regretted where we left off. It didn’t mean anything to me. I watched you from a distance, I saw you fall in love, and I saw you graduate and travel. I congratulated you when you got your first job. We kept tabs on each other. You checked in, too. That is why I never doubted; I knew you knew it, too. There was still love. There would always be love. 

So I’m not broken because we hadn’t spoken in a while. Not because I hadn’t seen you. 

I struggled through memories and emotions, none of them quite fit. I remembered moments and in some instances, I was stuck in space, literally. I could not move because I’d think of something else that you would miss, laughing at jokes we shared.

An avalanche of feelings and then it hit me, and then broke me. That moment I realized that we would never get to meet again. 

I would never bump into you at the grocery store. We would never see each other at an airport somewhere somehow. There would be no more coincidences between us. Our physical story ended here, and for as long as it will take for us to meet somehow in the afterlife coffee shop,

This is heartbreak. I have never been so sad. 

This is why I always got excited when you posted something new.

It’s the reason I immediately became friends with someone who knew you, too. I was getting little previews. Things that you would finally tell me when I saw you again. I knew our story wasn’t over. I loved where we left it off. I was so excited to see you again one day so you could finally pick up where you left off.

You would tell me what happened and I would tell you what happened, too. 

And we would tell each other how we truly felt. And we would laugh at each other, and then scold each other for accepting that. But eventually, we will have caught up and maybe exchanged numbers, and maybe we would see each other, no date forcing our hands. 

But I sit here with harsh reality, and I’m cold.

And my heart is in pieces. 

You are not here anymore. You are not experiencing life anymore. You did what was needed and what enough for you. Your journey in this part was through.

I remain. Trying to make sense in a word so senseless. Forcing and then taking one step at a time. 

And it’s heavy. I didn’t expect this load, this weight. But I carry it for you. And I feel despair for you.

I feel despair for myself and things I have always wanted to tell you, songs I wanted to show you, and moments I wanted to know more about. My curiosity remains. My love remains.

And I am going to miss you. So so much.

I’m going to think about you, and I will laugh at the good parts and smile at the moments when we helped each other and held each other. And for the little girls that we were.

And I’ll cry a lot not to make you feel bad. But to let you know that you were loved. 

And I will love you forever.