Back again!

It only took me four years, lol.

I recently graduated from university. I did the thing, I put in the work, and sure enough, I walked across a stage and got my (very much deserved) 5 minutes of fame. And while I am incredibly proud and grateful that I was able to achieve such an achievement, the end of my undergrad journey was filled with the underlying feeling of unfulfillment, confusion, and frustration.

This trifecta of bad vibes was because what I had imagined I would feel at the end of this journey versus my reality was completely different. I had envisioned myself being more grounded and secure, energized for the next chapter. Instead, I had a liberal arts degree and zero clue about where and how to begin the next step. One thing I did know was that I was exhausted and burnt out to a crisp.

In conclusion, I felt deceived. I did the work! There were countless sleepless nights, overconsumption and reliance on coffee, emails … oh, all the emails begging class instructors for extensions, clarifications, and mercy. I happily found myself on my knees because I was motivated because this was necessary. It was a degrading means to a prideful end.

Yet here I was, confused as ever my only companion being the burning question: What is next?

Now, this was three months ago. I have since spent all my available energy on relaxing and regrouping. No one ever said how difficult it is to relax, you know. I have had to force myself to be okay with not having plans, reminding myself that the difference between me and the bummy men that my friends and I make fun of is that I am me, and they are them. Simple. This period of rest was not only so so deserved but also a moment in which I allowed myself to really just think. Think about what I wanted and where I wanted to be.

This was the beginning of me opening my Pandora’s box (I hope I am using that term correctly).

It’s shocking, really, how when you decide to dedicate time to pursuing your hobbies and finding your purpose, that is when you discover that you really have zero idea who you are.

In these past few months, I have learned so much about myself. Not even in a deep, Oprah Winfrey crying type of way, but in an interesting non-psychoanalytical way! It’s been fun! But I will say that before it was fun, it was lonely and depressing.

It did take me being so stressed out that both my eyes would twitch uncontrollably, a serious lack of emotional regulation, and almost breaking down because I missed a bus to get here. After I had a sit-down moment with myself and realized all this was doing more harm than good, I decided to take the time and just … be.

On starting again.

I wish I could say life has been just dandy since I made this choice, however we live in a society, and life will do what life does. But it has become more bearable and dare I say it – enjoyable?

I came to the conclusion that in order for me to begin this journey of the what is next, I needed to accept my current reality. The truth was that I did not know. I knew what I did not want, but ultimately I did not know anything else. I was starting from scratch and I that meant I needed to be okay with that. I needed to be okay with that because I needed to be okay with all that comes with starting again.

The vulnerability of learning. Of not knowing. Being taught, making mistakes, and trying again.

Starting again.

And so I am here. Back again! I learned that in all the moments that I have been through in life, one thing has always stayed the same, I am a writer. I love it. My mind and body exist to write and tell stories. I am more comfortable with a pen, but I could get used to typing. So here we are, with a self-promise to remain consistent. Granting myself a space to express and grow. Enjoy the ride